The shadow of my fear


We listened to a podcast in the car yesterday. It was about entities and beings from the other side and how they can show up so differently. One of the ways is an entity that attaches to us because of the similarity that we share in energy. This particular “sticky” energy coming from the mark our traumas have left on our souls. If you can imagine a human who dies with unresolved pain from a past tauma and part of that soul, wanders still-it recognizes the hurt in you and attaches itself. It made me wonder if it did so in hopes that WE the living will heal ourselves and they too can benefit from that healing energy and then fully move on or atleast stop this type of ‘haunting’ that is here in hopes of changing somehting in the world. This type of energy though is a shadow, not an actual ghost of a person as you might be imagining. It is someone else's shadow work that was never done-attaching to yours. As if we needed more to carry, right?

This morning, I woke up around 5 or 530 and shifted my body for comfort and tried to fall back asleep. I started to drift off, with images beginning to swirl in my head and then scenarios began to present themselves. These scenarios always have me or someone I love in danger and the danger is always rape. The movie sort of plays in my head and sometimes we survive by either escaping to safety or by me beating the absolute fuck out of the monster until they give up or leave. Sometimes it seems we will not break free and the part of my brain that is still not fully asleep, shakes my head and tells me to STOP IT. This pattern of scenario and violence plays in my head, over and over until my wifes alarms go off and I begin to plan my day while she hits the snooze button several times.

This pattern happens every single day.

This morning as I sat down to journal, I remembered that podcast and now I’m wondering-at any given time of the year, the veil is thinnest at dawn. Not thin like in May and October, but thinner than the rest of the day. Plus the world is quiet, our homes are quiet and its easier to listen. Do I have an “integration” that has attached itself to me and is trying to communicate in the morning? Is it begging me to heal or warning me of something? See-fear still steps in and says wait-maybe I’m supposed to be preparing for a fight. It’s honestly enough to drive a person crazy at times.

So where do I begin?

I talk about it.

I write it down.

I get part of it out so that piece by piece I can begin to understand how these visions or messages-whatever they should be called are showing up to chip away at something presumably much bigger.

Do I embrace this part of me and attempt to change the environment of the scenarios in my head? I’m asking because I honestly don’t know.

It comes from fear and yes I can place a big part of that fear with my past traumas, but it’s difficult to understand when I know that I have worked through a lot of that trauma. I also know that pieces are only just beginning to bubble to the surface. I know that I can’t let fear take over and I know that I can’t continue to feed it...but 'knowing' is not enough.

I have feared rape for as long as I can remember walking and talking. I feared my sisters boy-friends and I couldn’t go to sleepovers because I feared my friends fathers. I can’t watch it on TV-because if I do, it’s stuck in my head for months and at times has sent me running to the bathroom to vomit.

Someone is sexually assaulted every 76 seconds. Did you know that? I did the research. 76 seconds and that’s only based on the 20% of assaults that are actually reported. Can you imagine how many assaults happened in our blood lines? Is this generational trauma showing up so I can do something about it?

Again, I dont know.

I’m just journaling to start the healing process and I’m sharing it in case someone else is going through this same shit.

I don't want to live in fear. Not anymore.

And I don’t want you to either.

Healing starts with conversation and letting our words be the carriers of unloading, bit by bit.

Please start communicating. Please start talking or writing and sharing what haunts you. It’s the only way that we can begin to get it out and heal. It’s the only way that we can start to live a fuller life.

We can do this, we can be brave and we can be a beacon for someone elses healing. Maybe that’s why we have been through what we have been-our ancestors knew we would be the strong ones.

I’m here.

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