Love HARD.


Never fall asleep angry.

I can hear the crickets outside as the sun hasn’t even begun to peek up over the mountains. The sound reminds me of sitting by the river yesterday, listening to the leaves begin to dance as gusts of winds came up from downstream and the most perfeclty sized raindrops creating the type of music on the water that you just want to crawl inside of. In all that symphony, the crickets joined in and I couldn’t help but feel that it was all for me. I was at a sacred place. A place that holds memories that can never be rerecreated anywhere else. It’s a place I have let the cold make me numb beneath the stars while I dreamt of a different life. A place where I walked and laughed and met someone new. A place I walked and cried and grieved with someone. A place I created magic and celebrated with the Goddess and the God. A place I fell in love and now a place my broken heart took me to for comfort and understanding. Nobody was there, which was unusual for such a beautiful place. I sat with my back against my favorite tree and prayed out loud for guidance and understanding and I prayed for the love that words can’t describe, to help us be better for each other. A night of erupting emotions and words unbridled left a physical pain over my heart and I was certain, over hers too. I went to this place necause WE can always be found there even when we aren’t physically there. I went there to go quiet and stop my understanding and listen…and that’s when the wind and the rain and the crickets came. That’s when I knew everything was going to be alright, even though my body was telling me that the world was over.

Never fall asleep angry.

Sometimes you have to. Sometimes the communication isn’t going well, sometimes past hurts and pains have resurfaced and taken the reigns on the night. Sometimes the hurt stands up and closes the door on listening and just wants to take a break. Sometimes you just need sleep and hopefully, clarity in the morning.

When we push the conversation in an environment that is already tired or stressed or hurt, it can take a nasty turn and make things worse. Its probably a rare thing to have both parties ready to call it quits (just for the night!) at the same time-but this is one thing that we need to hear our love say. When they are done, let them be done-it means they need to process whats already happened and maybe they are recognizing that it’s not really going anywhere good at the moment. Do they always walk away and you’re tired of it-fine. That needs to be addressed, but not in that moment. (Trust me-I’m in love with a Scorpio. When she walks away, I just have to let her )

Never fall asleep angry.

This is true and I’ll explain now so you can stop reading it. It’s the anger that you have to let go of as you try to calm your breath and just sleep. Feel the hurt and the lonliness as you may be sleeping alone or as far away from each other as your bed will allow. Feel those feelings so that you can better express them in the morning. Feel them because they are real-no matter whos at fault or to blame for the disruption, your feelings are valid and letting them take over a little is important. It’s how we understand our own process and it helps us communicate from a place of wanting to feel loved rather than a place of not wanting to be at fault. Anger creates resentment and I believe its the resentment that leaves a scar and causes you to later “keep score”. I don’t mind sharing that my bad night began because I assumed that I knew what my wife was feeling and I was wrong. Still, the anger erupted and all the times I didn’t want to hurt, didn’t want to be vulnerable, didn’t want to feel unloved-I turned them to anger and resentment and I reacted to all of it at once.

So as the sun is now up inside the grey puffy clouds of morning and the crickets have let the night go, we begin a day of holding our gazes a little longer, speaking a little more gently and being grateful that last night we fell asleep in each others arms.

We are two completely different humans going through this life together, but experiencing it differently. It’s not always going to be sparkly stars and 4am pancakes, but we make it work as long as we are both in it together. We make it as long as we listen equally to what each other is saying and continuing to honor how we feel-even when we cant really explain it.

Love.

Love one another.

Love hard.

Love deep.

And love yourself just as hard.

It’s honestly, the most important thing that we will do here.


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