That's what the final decision sounds like when it comes out of my mouth, the final signature under "co-signer" for whatever temporary bullshit contract I'm creating. Lack of discipline is probably the biggest complaint I have about myself. Why can't I just stick to the plan, do what's best for me, make the better choice?
-Because I don't fucking want to.
Do you remember when you were young and you couldn't wait to be an adult because you could do ANYTHING YOU WANT!!?? Then you became an adult and the whole eating spaghetti-O's and watching MTV all morning was no longer an option, hell even MTV grew up. And yes, that's exactly what I imagined adulthood was like because its what I did when I skipped school.
Now, I'm 42 and really don't want to know what a can of spaghetti-O's would do to my body for the day and sitting down to watch tv feels like a lazy way to waste away my day-ending with regret and possibly even more things on my to do list for tomorrow.
So, I try to do the right thing and make the better choice until someone or some thing wreaks havoc on my day and I throw my hands up, pour a whiskey and order a pizza BECAUSE I'M A GOD DAMN ADULT AND I CAN! (You can ask my wife-I LITERALLY shout this!)
We know our weaknesses and we know our limits. At the end of a hard day, it's not always easy to honor the things that are better for our bodies and spirits, sometimes we just don't give a fuck. The next morning though, we might wake with regret and then it's even harder to start the day off with a positive attitude and take care of ourselves.
Are you ready for the HOLY SHIT YES pivotal quote of my infinite wisdom? There isn't one. This is human. This is normal. This is the flow of caring for ourselves in different ways all at once. Nobody wants to be told what to do-not even by the own voices in our head. Nobody wants to be told that can't have something or they can't do something. We know there are consequences and bad choices, sometimes we just don't care. Sometimes we need to care for the wild within instead of the persona on the outside.
The problem comes in when we give in to those unhealthy or less than smart impulses all of the time. Then a pattern of choosing NOT to care for our spirits and our bodies becomes our normal and the climb out of that hole, becomes even harder.
Indulge, be a little unruly
and find ways to honor your childlike wonder, but keep the safety and health of your body in mind. Start to really look at why certain "bad choices" give you a rush or make you feel better. What deeper relationship there needs to be worked on?
When trying to heal old wounds, we can easily walk away when it gets too uncomfortable. We can easily co-sign that bullshit of letting it go so it doesn't ruin the day-nobody wants to voluntarily have that breakdown and feel like they've been hit by truck. So, we sign off-NOT TODAY SATAN and then stuff it back down and shove it in a corner. Throw a blanket of guilt or shame or embarrassment over it and walk away. There it festers, it grows and its nasty energy reaches out a little further-looking for a fresh and aware piece of you to destroy. That healthy part of you feels it and hurts and begs for you to help by sending you messages through stress, exhaustion and illness-those things that we try to "nurture" by covering up with things that we think make us feel better-indulgences:alcohol, drugs, sweets, reckless behaviors, etc. See the pattern?
Something in you needs to heal.
Something is eating you from the inside.
YEs, getting it out is going to hurt-but the longer you let it stay, the more damage its going to do and the more painful the eventual healing is going to hurt. Make a choice to heal, before the choice is no longer yours and your shadows erupt and seek to destroy everything you have worked hard for.
You've got this.